Event Horizon: Strike of The Assimilator!

I’m not a Comic Book reader. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I’ve never read a Comic Book in my entire life. My knowledge of Superheroes and their respective Arch Nemesis’ is directly proportionate to the amount of time they get on the Big Screen at the local movie theatre (like Superman, Batman, The Incredible Hulk, Fantastic Four, etc). And from what I understand, film versions of popular Comic Book heroes are generally sub-par and in no way live up to the awesomeness of their literary counterparts (like Superman, Batman, The Incredible Hulk, Fantastic Four, etc).  But if I were to attempt to identify with the Comic Book culture and “join the Collective” by inventing my own villainess alter-ego, the funny and charmingly ‘down to earth’ gal you know as Essaytch by day (well, between the hours of 8am and 5pm), would become The Assimilator by night. My evil aim: to grow the ranks of Sci-Fi Geeks everywhere by assimilating those closest to me into the fold. Being the over-achiever that I am, I’ve already claimed my first victim…

You may recall my last Event Horizon update in which I prophesied that Roomie would soon get sucked in by the inescapable pull of popular Sci-Fi television (namely, Stargate Atlantis). Her resistance has proven futile. With the help of her new boyfriend—we’ll call him The Enabler—Roomie is now a certified Battlestar Galactica fan. With The Enabler’s help supplying the DVDs from his collection, we’ve been watching the series from the beginning. Now I get texts from Roomie at 5pm “Pizza and Battlestar tonight?”. I’ve heard reports that she is perusing BSG Wiki’s, reading spoilers, and re-watching episodes to maximize understanding of plot details and character development.

It’s working….IT’S WORKING!!! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Dear Hiring Manager… (another letter for NaBloPoMo)

On Tuesday, I came across a job posting which piqued my interest. Despite my brief tenure at Fabulous New Job, I thought I might take a risk and apply. Read the job description here (no seriously: read it first), and then let me know if you think the following cover letter does the job grabbing the attention of the hiring manager.

To Whom It May Concern,

I recently read with great interest your job listing seeking individuals wishing to literally launch their careers into a new orbit. While I don’t have engineering experience per se, I believe my unique qualifications as a seasoned administrative assistant make me an excellent candidate for your team.

Over the past ten years in the workforce, I have held a number of roles and responsibilities which have contributed to my development as a critical thinker, team player, and general force to be reckoned with. My current position has me interacting daily with a number of Managing Partners and members of our Board of Directors, leaving me poised and confident, comfortable interacting with all levels of management (my Secret deodorant is a big help too). Working in fast-paced, high-pressure environments has demanded adaptability, attention to detail, and the ability to learn quickly…all qualities which, I am proud to say, I have in spades. In addition, my familiarity with all things Starbucks presents the opportunity for me to act as the chief liaison with the vendor once construction of their first lunar store is complete.

Please see the attached resume, submitted in confidence for your review; professional references will be submitted upon your request. I am confident that your review of my qualifications will solidify me as the only administrative candidate capable of supporting Google as they aim to “leapfrog current terrestrial-based technologies and bring information access to new heights of utility”. Given my familiarity with popular Sci-Fi literature and television programming, you can consider me “briefed” in life at zero-gravity.Thank you for your time and consideration; please feel free to contact me with any questions.

Sincerely,
Essaytch 

UPDATED: If Google’s Copernicus Center is anything like their Zurich office, that would be extra sweet!
(read: hey Chev, thank’s for the link…I lifted it from your comment on Joe’s blog yesterday)

Ode To A Slacker…

TIME: 9:55am, Friday the 28th

CUPS OF COFFEE: 3

LEVEL OF BOREDOM (1-10): 8

PROJECTS I SHOULD BE WORKING ON: 4

PROJECTS I AM ACTUALLY WORKING ON: 0

# OF TIMES I HIT SNOOZE THIS AM: 50 (give or take)

$ SPENT ON PARKING THIS WEEK (due to ’snoozing’): $65

MINUTES LATE TO WORK TODAY: 2

CURRENT SHAMELESS OBSESSIVE TV SHOW ADDICTION: Stargate Atlantis

# OF BOOKS TO READ FOR BOOK CLUB(S): 2 (Timescapeby G. Benford & Stranger in a Strange Land by R. Heinlein)

# OF PAGES TO READ EACH DAY IN ORDER TO FINISH TIMESCAPE BEFORE DISCUSSION: 50

# OF STARGATE EPISODES I WATCHED LAST NIGHT IN LIEU OF READING: 4

# OF TIMES I LAUGHED OUT LOUD WHILE WATCHING STARGATE LAST NIGHT: about 100

# OF TIMES I CRIED WATCHING STARGATE LAST NIGHT: 1

CURRENTLY CRAVING: Papa Murphy’s D’Lite Gourmet Chicken Garlic Pizza

CURRENTLY JAMMING TO: Sigur Ros (thanks Michael!)

FUNNIEST BLOG I’VE COME ACROSS TO DATE (warning–this is laugh-out-loud hilarious, do NOT read at work): Spambait

WHY YOU SHOULD CLICK THE LINK AND GO THERE IMMEDIATELY (aka, you wish you were this creative–hell, I do!): Have you ever wondered what to do with those spam emails you get from scammers promising “Your $35M in British Lottery winnings will be directly deposited into your bank account–just send us the routing number and a $350 processing fee…”? Well, my new-found Canadian blog-friend has the answer:

“…you could ignore them (recommended). You could give them the benefit of the doubt and check our their claims (not recommended). Or, you could do what I do: Write them back, expressing a seeming interest in whatever they happen to be shilling, and see how long you can string them along.
Over time, my ongoing correspondences with these online scammers has produced some truly memorable missives, not to mention an ever-expanding roster of pseudonymous responders, among them arch supervillain Baron Destructo, pragmatic opportunist Aloysius P. Hazzencockle, and Sesame Street’s very own Cookie Monster.”

I want to be a good blogger…

Honestly, I do! But lately, the only blog-worthy things that have happened to me are as follows:

1) A sister who is buying a GREAT DANE, despite the fact that she already has a 3 year old and a 5 year old, they are living on credit, and her medium-sized house is torn to pieces by remodeling projects in various stages of incompleteness (with no end in sight because her husband just can’t find the time to finish something that he’s started)

2) The discovery that, due to the fact that the floor I sit on is deserted because the consultants that occupy it spend 4 out of 5 days of the week out at client sites, the women’s restroom is the place where yesterday’s dinners go to DIE (read: stinky stinky, pew!) UPDATED–Please note, this is not where MY dinner’s go to die; after all, as I’ve mentioned on a previous occasion, I am a lady and I don’t poop.

3) I’m currently working alongside the strangest woman I’ve ever met. She wears the most obnoxious fake eyelashes and makeup every day, which makes me wonder where she thinks she is going when she gets ready for work in the morning. My second day working w/ her, she advised me that she has a second full-time job outside of this one. My immediate thought was: “Does it involve a pole?”. Turns out she’s a youth pastor. WTF? Equally as interesting.

4) My journey into the vortex that is Sci-Fi Geekdom continues this week as I’ve discovered that Seattle has a Sci-Fi Museum! I am planning my first trip this weekend and will purchase at least one thing from the gift shop. Because, as I advised Roomie, a commemorative Light Saber pen isn’t so much a want as it is a need.

All that being said, I promise to be a better blogger now that I’m settled back in the PNW. I’ve been perusing many a blog these past few weeks and am feeling more inspired. Your Cyber Whore Leader will be back in full force…let’s rally the troops people!