This little piggy went to…Specialty’s

 

 

TIME: 3:45pm

ACTIVITY: Finally eating lunch.

WHY: Because I’m starving and have been looking up catering options all day.

WHAT I GOT: Turkey Pesto Sandwich and a brownie from Specialty’s Bakery.

WHAT ACTUALLY MADE IT BACK TO THE OFFICE OUT OF THE STORE: Turkey Pesto Sandwich.

HOW TEMPTED I WAS TO BUY ANOTHER BROWNIE: Very.

That being said…

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Dear Specialty’s Bakery,

Your brownies are far too good to eat just one. For that reason, I must insist that you cease and desist all brownie making operations, effective immediately.

Sincerely,
Essaytch’s Rapidly Expanding Gut

P.S: Probably a good idea to stop with the cookie making too. I’m just sayin’…

Vision? Overrated, I say!

Before today, the subtle differences between Arial and Arial Narrow fonts mattered not,  10.5 and 11 point  sizes seemed trivial, and the differences between one shade of navy blue and another, almost unrecognizable.  But after spending six painstaking hours going through 46 slides checking for consistency? My eyeballs want to fall out.

Is it too much to ask that everything stay the same between slide #1 and # 46? Wouldn’t you think that, by formatting each slide the same way every time, it would actually make one’s job easier? Would it hurt to not only run the spell check feature, but to also read the slide content to check for errors? Because, while “over view” is spelled correctly, it is light-years away from “overview” in meaning.

And while I have your ear, when you responded “No” to my question last week about whether that photo was simply a place-holder until you found something more relevant, I wanted to die. Please PLEASE tell me what a kitchen faucet has to do with the largest seller of athletic footwear and apparel in the world? Inquiring minds want to know.

Yours etc.

P.S…Here’s a shovel. Dig your own grave.

You want me to WHAT?!

Dear Manager,

When you came to me today with a “fun” project , I’ll admit I was skeptical. But then when you told me you wanted me to pull together a list of YouTube links for some specific brand name commercials, my ears perked up. “You mean you want me to spend all day on YouTube, surfing the net and watching commercials?” I asked. “Shoot…I can do that!”

And I did. And it was fun.

So thanks, Manager! That worked out well I think.

Your Dedicated Employee,
Essaytch

Ouch! That smarts!

Dear VW Repair Man,

I must say, you’re a sneaky devil! The brand new Jetta you gave me as a loaner vehicle for the week was a dream…leather interior, heated seats, and awefully zippy! It almost made me wish the money I was spending on repairs to my vehicle could go towards the downpayment on a new VW, one that I would subsequently purchase from your fine establishment. See? I told you you’re a sneaky one! But I’m on to you…

That being said, thank you for the excellent work you did on my car last week. She purrs like a kitten now, and I’m sure she will hold up until I drive her into the ground many many years from now. On the flip side, I really didn’t appreciate the $4500 dent you made in my bank account.

Keep it Funkengruuven,
Essaytch

Ummmmm…..wah-happa?

Dear WordPress,

I is confused. What happened to my blog dashboard? I log in, and I do not recognize where I am! I cannot find where you have put things, and I am disoriented by all the new labels. I hate to break it to you, but this whole Beta thing? It’s not working out.

Yours truly, etc, etc, blah blah blah. 

You’ve Got It (The Right Stuff)

Dear Joseph (aka Joey-Joe),

It has been some time since we last communicated. Can you believe 19 years has flown by so quickly? It seems like only yesterday that I was gazing longingly at your picture as I drifted off to sleep…you remember the one I’m talking about? You were wearing that cute hat with the top cut out so your curly hair stuck up a bit. That was my favorite poster picture of you by far!

As I’m sure you recall, the last time I wrote it was to express my undying love and heartfelt pledge to save my affections for you and you alone, for all of eternity. I probably mentioned something about setting up my sister K with your pal Jonathan Knight too. Being the exact same age, they could technically have been married right away…a joyous event that would have naturally paved the way for our own torrid love affair.

With this letter, I’m afraid, I bring bad news: I have been unfaithful. Yes, it’s true…there have been others, Joe. Despite your incessant pleading “Please Don’t Go, Girl!”, a song which I know was written for my ears only, I have broken my pledge to you and likely destroyed all of your faith and hope in what could have been our happy future together. I know this news may not come as much of a surprise, as you were yourself married back in 2003, but I felt the need to get it out there in the hopes that we could begin to repair this rift between us.

I was glad to hear yesterday that you and the rest of the “Kids” are back in the studio and planning a long-anticipated reunion of sorts. I hope this upcoming tour can distract you from the dull ache you’ve no doubt been feeling since my unfaithfulness broke your heart to smithereens.

Take care, Joseph, and know that deep down “I’ll Be Loving You (Forever)”…

Your Favorite Girl,
Essaytch

 

Dear Hiring Manager… (another letter for NaBloPoMo)

On Tuesday, I came across a job posting which piqued my interest. Despite my brief tenure at Fabulous New Job, I thought I might take a risk and apply. Read the job description here (no seriously: read it first), and then let me know if you think the following cover letter does the job grabbing the attention of the hiring manager.

To Whom It May Concern,

I recently read with great interest your job listing seeking individuals wishing to literally launch their careers into a new orbit. While I don’t have engineering experience per se, I believe my unique qualifications as a seasoned administrative assistant make me an excellent candidate for your team.

Over the past ten years in the workforce, I have held a number of roles and responsibilities which have contributed to my development as a critical thinker, team player, and general force to be reckoned with. My current position has me interacting daily with a number of Managing Partners and members of our Board of Directors, leaving me poised and confident, comfortable interacting with all levels of management (my Secret deodorant is a big help too). Working in fast-paced, high-pressure environments has demanded adaptability, attention to detail, and the ability to learn quickly…all qualities which, I am proud to say, I have in spades. In addition, my familiarity with all things Starbucks presents the opportunity for me to act as the chief liaison with the vendor once construction of their first lunar store is complete.

Please see the attached resume, submitted in confidence for your review; professional references will be submitted upon your request. I am confident that your review of my qualifications will solidify me as the only administrative candidate capable of supporting Google as they aim to “leapfrog current terrestrial-based technologies and bring information access to new heights of utility”. Given my familiarity with popular Sci-Fi literature and television programming, you can consider me “briefed” in life at zero-gravity.Thank you for your time and consideration; please feel free to contact me with any questions.

Sincerely,
Essaytch 

UPDATED: If Google’s Copernicus Center is anything like their Zurich office, that would be extra sweet!
(read: hey Chev, thank’s for the link…I lifted it from your comment on Joe’s blog yesterday)

Note to self…

Self,

When you have to be at your desk, computer up and running, with your coffee at 8am, it is best not to sleep past your alarm. Yes, it is appropriate to hit the snooze button once or twice, but NOT ten times in a row! You see, when you get up late, you will inevitably miss your bus, which comes at 7:10 am. If you miss your bus (for which you purchased a $285 annual pass, don’t forget), then you are forced to drive to work. The gas you buy is currently $3.79 per gallon, your office is 8 miles away plus traffic, and the cheapest parking you’ve been able to find downtown is $13. You do the math.

I propose that you try going to bed at a reasonable hour, say by 10:30? No, that doesn’t mean you’re IN BED by 10:30 and about to spend another hour + reading/blogging/watching television. That means your lights are out at 10:30 and your head is on the pillow…well, the portion of the pillow not being hogged by your outrageously fluffy cat.

Try it for a week…just a week! Your wallet will thank you.

Sincerely,
You

ps…do some laundry already!

Ha ha–April Fools! No? Seriously?

Being that April is “Letter Writing Month” with NaBloPoMo, I thought I would start things off with a letter from the editor (that would be me):

Dear Reader,

I would like to take this opportunity to say “Thanks” to those of you who keep coming back here every day (all 3 of ya!), frequent commenters and lurkers alike. To the “Blog Friends” I’ve come to know over the past 5 months: I love love LOVE to read your posts and comments, and look forward to seeing what you all have to say on a daily basis. And because you bring so much joy to my life, I’d like to return the favor by hi-lighting some of your genius:

15 Minute Lunch: I lurk here. I specifically find myself returning to this odiferous post.

Veggiemacabre: The things that happen to this guy! Don’t believe me? Check this out. Or maybe this one. Still not convinced? Try this!

[redacted]: Again, I lurk. And I laugh. See why here.

Spambait: Mentioned already in a post the other day, but I wanted to point out specifically why Baron Destructo is my personal hero.

All that being said…

I recently started frequenting a blog authored by one of the Executive Producers of a popular TV show, a gem which has quickly become one of my new daily favorite reads. He recently came under attack by an outraged fan, chastising him (the show head), the other producers, and the network for some casting decisions made during one of the show’s past seasons. The fan expressed himself obnoxiously, which of course, garnered a quick-witted response from the blog author (not wholly undeserved). While the exchange was slightly uncomfortable, in the end the author made a valid final point: “Hey, here’s a novel notion you may want to consider. Perhaps your opinion is just one of many opinions, no better or worse, correct or incorrect.” (To which, of course, the obnoxious fan retorted with the proverbial “Oh don’t give me that crap!” But that’s neither here nor there.)

I, for one, echo the blogger’s thoughts exactly. What are we all doing here, after all? Expressing opinions, going through the paces of a little self-guided therapy session, putting to bed old demons by writing them out on paper, shedding light on some of life’s light-hearted moments. I don’t know about you, but that’s what I’m in it for! But for those who may not see it that way, or who may be confused at the point of this whole ‘blogging’ thing, or just in response to that obnoxious fan (should he ever make it to my teeny corner of the blogosphere and read this-doubtful), I thought I’d conclude with a vocabulary lesson, a “Word of the Day”, if I may.

OPINION: 1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty; 2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal. -Synonyms: notion, idea, impression, sentiment.

I don’t know about you, but I’m FULL of opinions (many of them silly and often baseless). If you don’t like mine, well, I can’t help you there. As for yours? Feel free to express them here. But do keep in mind that, being the Editor, I reserve the right to block you, delete you, or whatever the situation may require, should you turn into aforementioned Obnoxious Superfan Opinion guy.

Yours truly,
Essaytch
“Editor at Large”

Goodbye, MySpace…hello Bloggosphere!

It’s official: I am deleting my MySpace account. Correction–I am attempting to delete my MySpace account (apparently, this is an impossible feat…don’t ask). Truth be told, I really only created my “space” to get the skinny on all my old high school buddies before our 10 year reunion this past summer. Now that THAT horror is over (seriously, why did I bother? different post altogether…stay tuned), I’m deleting the thing.

I only wrote 3 blog entries on MySpace, but what follows is my first and favorite:

March 12, 2007
Daylight Savings? Or Y2K x 2?

Ok, here’s the jiggy. Everyone’s been all Y2K’d out about this Daylight Savings change, as if it were the end of the world as we know it (and I don’t mean a super-fly REM song). Never before in my life have I ever given a second thought to Daylight Savings…in fact, my parents have to call me every year to remind me to spring or fall accordingly. And yet this year, what with the BIG CHANGE and all, I find I’m suddenly stressed about the time on my cell phone, computer, microwave clock. Will they reset themselves? Or will I, heaven forbid, have to bravely go where no blonde is ever meant to go and dive into the abyss that is The User’s Manual? In a world that is ever-increasingly becoming “User Friendly”, will I suddenly have to lift a finger, engage my brain, and do something myself?! Something like RE-PROGRAM MY CELL PHONE CLOCK?! Is this a sign that we should all stock up on canned goods and buckle down for the nuclear winter that may inevitably follow (if those boys with the button can’t get the satellite’s reprogrammed in time)?

Just when I thought the world was on the brink of disaster, I awoke on Sunday morning only to find….my cell phone was smart enough to re-program itself! Crisis averted, world saved, birds chirping and all is harmonious again. The geeks at Verizon Wireless had done it, and just in the nick of time! Now, if only I could get them to lose my address and stop sending me my bill…

Yeah, I’m still getting that bill….DAMNIT!!!