Absolutely Nothing…

Today I had the day off, so what did I do? You guessed it! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! Here’s a little run-down on how “Absolutely Nothing” went, for those of you just dying to live vicariously through me:

6 AM: The alarm that I forgot to turn off wakes me from a dead sleep. I curse.

8 AM: Awaken from a dream about work. Strange. Discover the cat is asleep and snoring in the laundry basket…not just asleep, but rather BURIED under all the laundry. Perhaps he was cold–wonder why. Roll over and go back to sleep.

10 AM: Drag my butt out of bed after having spent the last 45 minutes staring at the ceiling and daydreaming. Cat still in the laundry basket.

NOON: Showered and dressed, internet sufficiently surfed for the morning, I decide to get some coffee.

12:30: Arrive at Pete’s Coffee by Greenlake. Order my Cuppa Joe, and settle into one of the vacant leather chairs with my Kindle. The thing I like about Pete’s is that they don’t have obnoxiously loud music blaring over their speakers, the CD’s of which they are also trying to shove down your throat by the register. (Uh, can someone say “Starbucks”?) I read in peace for an hour.

2 PM: Back to the condo, after having sufficiently drained my wallet at the pump. Settle down for some grilled cheese (I feel 5 years old again) and a couple of episodes of the X-Files.

4 PM: Consider watching Oprah. Consider also stabbing out my eyes and ears with a sharp object. Opt for some more Internet surfing instead. Updated Facebook page, did some cyber stalking, and read the remainder of the latest Scientific American that I bought last weekend. (No I DON’T understand what they are talking about half the time. Yes, reading it DOES make me feel smarter. Sure, I’m half convinced it boosts my ‘geek cred’…but whatever.)

5:30 PM: Here I am. Writing this whilst nursing a caffeine headache and wondering where the day went. And what to read next. Hmmm…..any suggestions?

I love that “Google” is a verb…

I tell ya, people Google the strangest things! And their strange-and sometimes disturbing-searches often land them at my blog’s doorstep. I thought I would take this opportunity to address a few of them:

Cat Headed Warriors: Hmmm, I don’t know any. Anyone else?

Juicy Young Boys: Yes please! Sign me up…

Charlie Grenade: Uh, who? Don’t know him, and I’m not sure how a search for him steered you in my direction. A mystery, I say. Next!

How To Get A Guy To Sit Next To You: Wow, honey. Great question. My answer: try not to smell.

My Guts Hurt When I Do Psychokinesis: This sounds like a personal problem. Have you consulted your doctor? How about your friendly neighborhood parapsychologist? Science Fiction writer? Physicist? Get back to me when you find the answer…that’s a symptom I would very much like to avoid.

I know the rest of you out there get some doozies too. Care to share any of your favorites?

Ummmmm…..wah-happa?

Dear WordPress,

I is confused. What happened to my blog dashboard? I log in, and I do not recognize where I am! I cannot find where you have put things, and I am disoriented by all the new labels. I hate to break it to you, but this whole Beta thing? It’s not working out.

Yours truly, etc, etc, blah blah blah. 

Note to self…

Self,

When you have to be at your desk, computer up and running, with your coffee at 8am, it is best not to sleep past your alarm. Yes, it is appropriate to hit the snooze button once or twice, but NOT ten times in a row! You see, when you get up late, you will inevitably miss your bus, which comes at 7:10 am. If you miss your bus (for which you purchased a $285 annual pass, don’t forget), then you are forced to drive to work. The gas you buy is currently $3.79 per gallon, your office is 8 miles away plus traffic, and the cheapest parking you’ve been able to find downtown is $13. You do the math.

I propose that you try going to bed at a reasonable hour, say by 10:30? No, that doesn’t mean you’re IN BED by 10:30 and about to spend another hour + reading/blogging/watching television. That means your lights are out at 10:30 and your head is on the pillow…well, the portion of the pillow not being hogged by your outrageously fluffy cat.

Try it for a week…just a week! Your wallet will thank you.

Sincerely,
You

ps…do some laundry already!

Ha ha–April Fools! No? Seriously?

Being that April is “Letter Writing Month” with NaBloPoMo, I thought I would start things off with a letter from the editor (that would be me):

Dear Reader,

I would like to take this opportunity to say “Thanks” to those of you who keep coming back here every day (all 3 of ya!), frequent commenters and lurkers alike. To the “Blog Friends” I’ve come to know over the past 5 months: I love love LOVE to read your posts and comments, and look forward to seeing what you all have to say on a daily basis. And because you bring so much joy to my life, I’d like to return the favor by hi-lighting some of your genius:

15 Minute Lunch: I lurk here. I specifically find myself returning to this odiferous post.

Veggiemacabre: The things that happen to this guy! Don’t believe me? Check this out. Or maybe this one. Still not convinced? Try this!

[redacted]: Again, I lurk. And I laugh. See why here.

Spambait: Mentioned already in a post the other day, but I wanted to point out specifically why Baron Destructo is my personal hero.

All that being said…

I recently started frequenting a blog authored by one of the Executive Producers of a popular TV show, a gem which has quickly become one of my new daily favorite reads. He recently came under attack by an outraged fan, chastising him (the show head), the other producers, and the network for some casting decisions made during one of the show’s past seasons. The fan expressed himself obnoxiously, which of course, garnered a quick-witted response from the blog author (not wholly undeserved). While the exchange was slightly uncomfortable, in the end the author made a valid final point: “Hey, here’s a novel notion you may want to consider. Perhaps your opinion is just one of many opinions, no better or worse, correct or incorrect.” (To which, of course, the obnoxious fan retorted with the proverbial “Oh don’t give me that crap!” But that’s neither here nor there.)

I, for one, echo the blogger’s thoughts exactly. What are we all doing here, after all? Expressing opinions, going through the paces of a little self-guided therapy session, putting to bed old demons by writing them out on paper, shedding light on some of life’s light-hearted moments. I don’t know about you, but that’s what I’m in it for! But for those who may not see it that way, or who may be confused at the point of this whole ‘blogging’ thing, or just in response to that obnoxious fan (should he ever make it to my teeny corner of the blogosphere and read this-doubtful), I thought I’d conclude with a vocabulary lesson, a “Word of the Day”, if I may.

OPINION: 1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty; 2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal. -Synonyms: notion, idea, impression, sentiment.

I don’t know about you, but I’m FULL of opinions (many of them silly and often baseless). If you don’t like mine, well, I can’t help you there. As for yours? Feel free to express them here. But do keep in mind that, being the Editor, I reserve the right to block you, delete you, or whatever the situation may require, should you turn into aforementioned Obnoxious Superfan Opinion guy.

Yours truly,
Essaytch
“Editor at Large”

Ode To A Slacker…

TIME: 9:55am, Friday the 28th

CUPS OF COFFEE: 3

LEVEL OF BOREDOM (1-10): 8

PROJECTS I SHOULD BE WORKING ON: 4

PROJECTS I AM ACTUALLY WORKING ON: 0

# OF TIMES I HIT SNOOZE THIS AM: 50 (give or take)

$ SPENT ON PARKING THIS WEEK (due to ’snoozing’): $65

MINUTES LATE TO WORK TODAY: 2

CURRENT SHAMELESS OBSESSIVE TV SHOW ADDICTION: Stargate Atlantis

# OF BOOKS TO READ FOR BOOK CLUB(S): 2 (Timescapeby G. Benford & Stranger in a Strange Land by R. Heinlein)

# OF PAGES TO READ EACH DAY IN ORDER TO FINISH TIMESCAPE BEFORE DISCUSSION: 50

# OF STARGATE EPISODES I WATCHED LAST NIGHT IN LIEU OF READING: 4

# OF TIMES I LAUGHED OUT LOUD WHILE WATCHING STARGATE LAST NIGHT: about 100

# OF TIMES I CRIED WATCHING STARGATE LAST NIGHT: 1

CURRENTLY CRAVING: Papa Murphy’s D’Lite Gourmet Chicken Garlic Pizza

CURRENTLY JAMMING TO: Sigur Ros (thanks Michael!)

FUNNIEST BLOG I’VE COME ACROSS TO DATE (warning–this is laugh-out-loud hilarious, do NOT read at work): Spambait

WHY YOU SHOULD CLICK THE LINK AND GO THERE IMMEDIATELY (aka, you wish you were this creative–hell, I do!): Have you ever wondered what to do with those spam emails you get from scammers promising “Your $35M in British Lottery winnings will be directly deposited into your bank account–just send us the routing number and a $350 processing fee…”? Well, my new-found Canadian blog-friend has the answer:

“…you could ignore them (recommended). You could give them the benefit of the doubt and check our their claims (not recommended). Or, you could do what I do: Write them back, expressing a seeming interest in whatever they happen to be shilling, and see how long you can string them along.
Over time, my ongoing correspondences with these online scammers has produced some truly memorable missives, not to mention an ever-expanding roster of pseudonymous responders, among them arch supervillain Baron Destructo, pragmatic opportunist Aloysius P. Hazzencockle, and Sesame Street’s very own Cookie Monster.”

I want to be a good blogger…

Honestly, I do! But lately, the only blog-worthy things that have happened to me are as follows:

1) A sister who is buying a GREAT DANE, despite the fact that she already has a 3 year old and a 5 year old, they are living on credit, and her medium-sized house is torn to pieces by remodeling projects in various stages of incompleteness (with no end in sight because her husband just can’t find the time to finish something that he’s started)

2) The discovery that, due to the fact that the floor I sit on is deserted because the consultants that occupy it spend 4 out of 5 days of the week out at client sites, the women’s restroom is the place where yesterday’s dinners go to DIE (read: stinky stinky, pew!) UPDATED–Please note, this is not where MY dinner’s go to die; after all, as I’ve mentioned on a previous occasion, I am a lady and I don’t poop.

3) I’m currently working alongside the strangest woman I’ve ever met. She wears the most obnoxious fake eyelashes and makeup every day, which makes me wonder where she thinks she is going when she gets ready for work in the morning. My second day working w/ her, she advised me that she has a second full-time job outside of this one. My immediate thought was: “Does it involve a pole?”. Turns out she’s a youth pastor. WTF? Equally as interesting.

4) My journey into the vortex that is Sci-Fi Geekdom continues this week as I’ve discovered that Seattle has a Sci-Fi Museum! I am planning my first trip this weekend and will purchase at least one thing from the gift shop. Because, as I advised Roomie, a commemorative Light Saber pen isn’t so much a want as it is a need.

All that being said, I promise to be a better blogger now that I’m settled back in the PNW. I’ve been perusing many a blog these past few weeks and am feeling more inspired. Your Cyber Whore Leader will be back in full force…let’s rally the troops people!

Goodbye, MySpace…hello Bloggosphere!

It’s official: I am deleting my MySpace account. Correction–I am attempting to delete my MySpace account (apparently, this is an impossible feat…don’t ask). Truth be told, I really only created my “space” to get the skinny on all my old high school buddies before our 10 year reunion this past summer. Now that THAT horror is over (seriously, why did I bother? different post altogether…stay tuned), I’m deleting the thing.

I only wrote 3 blog entries on MySpace, but what follows is my first and favorite:

March 12, 2007
Daylight Savings? Or Y2K x 2?

Ok, here’s the jiggy. Everyone’s been all Y2K’d out about this Daylight Savings change, as if it were the end of the world as we know it (and I don’t mean a super-fly REM song). Never before in my life have I ever given a second thought to Daylight Savings…in fact, my parents have to call me every year to remind me to spring or fall accordingly. And yet this year, what with the BIG CHANGE and all, I find I’m suddenly stressed about the time on my cell phone, computer, microwave clock. Will they reset themselves? Or will I, heaven forbid, have to bravely go where no blonde is ever meant to go and dive into the abyss that is The User’s Manual? In a world that is ever-increasingly becoming “User Friendly”, will I suddenly have to lift a finger, engage my brain, and do something myself?! Something like RE-PROGRAM MY CELL PHONE CLOCK?! Is this a sign that we should all stock up on canned goods and buckle down for the nuclear winter that may inevitably follow (if those boys with the button can’t get the satellite’s reprogrammed in time)?

Just when I thought the world was on the brink of disaster, I awoke on Sunday morning only to find….my cell phone was smart enough to re-program itself! Crisis averted, world saved, birds chirping and all is harmonious again. The geeks at Verizon Wireless had done it, and just in the nick of time! Now, if only I could get them to lose my address and stop sending me my bill…

Yeah, I’m still getting that bill….DAMNIT!!!

Cyber whores…UNITE!!

(DISCLAIMER: The following post is destined to be completely retarded, in no way hilarious or witty, and probably not interesting in any way. I am already ashamed.)

Because it is NaBloPoMo, and I take my membership (#5144 baby!) seriously, here I am submitting my entry for the day. It is “late” –note: the current time is 10:41 pm pacific time–and while I would much rather wait until the writer’s juices are flowing before I post again, I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t submit something. Besides, then my blog “stats” would suffer and my rapidly expanding audience of readers (um, yeah…that means you, fellow blog junkie that stumbled upon this post randomly while running a tag search for “whores”) may dwindle in the absence of nothing new to read.

Tonight, I posed a hypothetical question to one of my roommates. My query was thus: if you spend ungodly amounts of time on the couch in front of the television, you’re considered a “Couch Potato”. So if you sit for hours on end surfing the Internet and blogging, what does that make you? Is that still a “Couch Potato”, even if there’s no television involved? What if you’re sitting at a desk, or (as I am) in your bed with your laptop on your knees…”Desk Potato”? “Bed Potato”? Is there a term for one hypnotized by the glow of the computer screen, who can’t remember the last time she blinked? My roommate’s response: “Yeah. Cyber Whores.”

And so, my eyes blurry and glazed over with exhaustion, my head nodding ever closer to my chest, I am desperate for the creative juices to be stirred in me once more. I let out my rally cry: CYBER WHORES, UNITE!!!

To Know Me is to Love Me

I’ve always kind of felt that if people were to just get to know me, they would love me. They would find me witty and fascinating, humorous and oh-so-sexy (the last one is mostly what all my celebrity crushes would discover upon getting to know me better). I recognize that my decision to become a “blogger” was one made by my ego, the same ego that’s convinced that Wentworth Miller would fall hopelessly in love with me, if only our eyes should meet (cause you know that’s all it would take). 

I realize the information on my “about” page doesn’t really say much “about” me, and while I’m not about to post my social security number and mother’s maiden name on here, I thought a few more random tid-bits might give people a better view inside my head. So here you go:

-I have a pure bred Persian cat named Pippin. Pippin = My World
-I have a Fuzzy English Lop rabbit named Bunny. Bunny = Bane Of My Existence
-I drive a Passat
-I live with two roomies and they are fabulous
-I have my nose pierced (it’s small, get over it)
-I think mushrooms taste like poop
-”The Human Stain” by Philip Roth is my favorite book (please don’t see the movie, it’s bad)
-I’m trying to stretch myself by stepping outside my comfort zone, so I joined a Sci-Fi/Fantasy book club…I’m officially “stretched”
-I pay for a gym membership I don’t use
-I’m a grammar/spelling snob
-I can’t sleep in a room if it’s too quiet
-I sleep with a fan on, even in the dead of winter (see above)
-I write in ALL CAPS
-I can’t draw to save my life
-I wish I could write a novel
-I’m not sure I want kids…unless Wentworth Miller agrees to father them, in which case, I would have a million (or die trying)
-I like to cook, but hate doing the dishes
-I’m mildly socially retarded

So…do you love me yet?