I’m on a ROLL!!!

So my friend’s recent encounter with unsolicited creepy poetry from a stranger (and my smart-ass response) conjured forth my poetic side for about a week thereafter. And my poor roomies were forced to read every line. And now you are too (it’s amateur, I know….but I was proud, and we all peed our pants laughing):

I think I shall write a poem a day.
I’ll send them along to you two to say:“Such whit, such charm, such ease of prose,
It’s a wonder to us that not everyone knows
How fabulous is this friend of ours!”
To which I’ll reply, “Remember, men are from Mars!” “And women from Venus!” comes the end of the quip
And thus, it’s important to remember this tip:

In life and in love and in friendship alike,
Women need men just like fish need a bike!!!

Thanks, but no thanks…

Like so many singles these days, my roommate has frequented the online dating scene on and off. She’s had some success, some duds, and some…freaks. Case and point, she recently received a thoughtful poem from an online suitor. It was, in a word, obscure. Generally, when a woman says she “likes poetry”, she’s talking SHAKESPEARE people!! Sonnets and love poems and the like. She does not like unsolicited, creepy poetry about satanic cats (you think I jest….I do not). When she forwarded it to me with the hypothetical questions “What the fuck? How do I respond?”, she didn’t think I would take her seriously. I proposed she send the following reply:

Late 20’s, and I’m still alone.
My parent’s are nagging ’cause I always stay home.
Most friends are married, but I don’t mind
’cause the perfect man is so hard to find.

I’ve been on Match several times before
Since dating the conventional way is a chore.
But the guys online are such a mixed bag,
Some nice, some slutty, some boring, most a drag.

Then one day, from the bottom of the pile
Came a note from a dude and it made me smile.
Said he thought I might like it, so I read on with glee
But my smile quickly faded…he’d sent me poetry.

Not the kind filled with flowers, lovely sentiments and such,
But a dark and twisted tale, the kind that makes you loose your lunch.
Do I write him back and tell him, “No thanks, busy this week”?
Or do I bite the bullet and just say point blank “I don’t date freaks”?

One thing is for certain, and my friends, they can attest,
There ain’t no way a dude like that’s getting his hands near my chest.

So the moral of this story, and dude I hope you see,
If your poetry ain’t Shakespeare, please don’t send it on to me.

I was disappointed she didn’t send it on….cause I thought it was BRILLIANT.