2009: Year of the…wait, WHAT?!

2009 is definitely off to an interesting start here at Fabulous Job. Headcount realignment (read: layoffs) is still in full swing, although not so much in our department. That isn’t to say people aren’t making a mass exodus…but their reasons for leaving are, well let’s just say they are unique.

Imagine getting this phone call:

YOU: Hello?
CALLER: Hello, is this (insert your name here)?
YOU: Yes. Who is this?
CALLER: My name is Mr. Estate Lawyer. I’m calling about your long lost Uncle Moneybags. I’m sorry to say, he’s no longer with us.
YOU: Uncle who?
CALLER: Your Uncle Moneybags, your father’s step brother from a previous marriage. He recently succumbed to (insert name of debilitating disease here) and seeing as how you’re his only surviving relative, that makes you his sole heir and recipient of his entire fortune.
YOU: Excuse me? Did you say fortune?!
CALLER: That’s correct. His entire fortune…
YOU: How much are we talking about here?
CALLER: $ (insert any number between 10 and 50 here) MILLION dollars.

*sound of the phone hitting the floor, followed by a thud*

CALLER: Um, hello? Ma’am? Hello? Shall I bring by the papers then? Ma’am? Hellooo….?

“Who does that happen to?” you might be asking. “Sounds like something out of a Hollywood film script…” Those were my thoughts exactly. But, apparently some people are that…I don’t know, lucky? It happened to a co-worker of mine, and now she’s put in her two weeks notice. Not that I blame her–I’d probably do the same thing. But seriously?! A long-lost relative? With a FORTUNE?! Some people catch all the breaks.

And some people just DON’T.

Take co-worker #2, for example. He’s been dealt what I can only describe as a gigantic pile of horseshit and not only do I not envy him, but I genuinely wish the story wasn’t true…for HIS sake. This particular co-worker hails from a small village in Africa, and made his way to the US to go to school, live the American Dream. And he was! Until that aforementioned horse left a steamy pile all over that dream.

Imagine receiving this telegram:

BAD NEWS stop LEADER HAS DIED stop PLEASE RETURN TO VILLAGE stop YOU ARE NEW LEADER stop MUST ASSUME RESPONSIBILITIES stop

Yes, that’s right. He was contacted recently by his relatives back in Africa. Someone has died and left him an inheritance of his own. Only this inheritance doesn’t involve money. No, this inheritance comes in the form of a great responsibility: to head back to Africa and (wait for it)
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RUN THE VILLAGE.

Because I’m insensitive (and can’t believe my ears), I immediately picture him leaving behind his Brooks Brothers suits and donning stereotypical aboriginal garb: nothing but some body paint on top, and a teeny tiny piece of grass on a string to cover his–well, you know.

But that isn’t the WORST part of this story. From what I hear, this isn’t a peaceful little village we’re talking about. Yes, body paint and grass thongs are likely on the menu…but so are half a dozen other atrocities I’d rather not mention here.

So what’s the “moral” of this little story? I’m not exactly sure. But I can say with absolute sureity that all those times I wished and prayed for some amazing thing to happen to me, taking my life out of the “ordinary” and into the “extraordinary”–I take it all back. I am perfectly content with my ordinary life, at an ordinary job, in an ordinary city, living with my ordinary cat and hanging with my ordinary friends. Because while “extraordinary” might serve up a long-lost relative with a shit-pile of money to give me, its just as likely that I could be shipped off to a foreign land and made to eat bugs.