Who’s BRILLIANT idea was that?!

As a child, I used to daydream about how cool it would be to be a teenager. Driving a car. Pulling up to the bank and putting my own money in one of those nifty pods that got sucked through a tube into my account (seriously…I thought this was the most awesome thing ever!). Having a job and a boyfriend. Going to High School, to Prom, to football games with my face painted. Then as a teenager, I would daydream about how cool it would be to be an adult. Driving a car that I actually owned myself. Moving to another city to live on my own, with total autonomy from my parents. To be a homeowner, have credit cards, drink at bars, throw dinner parties for my scores of fabulous friends. To fall in love, get married, and start having babies….all by the ripe old age of 25.

Well, here I am at 29…and let’s just say life didn’t exactly turn out to be as “cool” as I’d imagined it:

-That car that I drive? Yeah…I own it. I’ll be making the payments on it for the next 5 years, too. And considering I just payed through the nose to have the engine practically rebuilt, my dreams of having a ‘newer’ car have been flushed down the toilet.

-Total autonomy from my parents? Well, considering I find myself calling them once every few months saying “Uh, Mom? Can I borrow $50?”…I would say total autonomy is a work in progress.

-Credit Cards? Ha ha ha! WHAT credit cards? I made that mistake in college, and fortunately for me, my new credit score prevents me from making that mistake again. And since we’re on the topic…did anyone else miss that day in school where they told you not to screw up your credit score, because you would be Black Listed across the entire universe? Apparently I missed Fiscal Responsibility 101, and now there is no going back.

-Owning a home? Not in THIS lifetime!!! I find it utterly amusing whenever I see adds that say “Brand New Downtown Condos: starting at only $500k!!!”, and when you look at the fine print, you see that $500k buys you a 600 square foot studio over a night club with a view of the dumpster in the back alley. No thanks…I’ll keep dumping my money into something I’m not permanently stuck with.

-Throwing dinner parties for my scores of fabulous friends? Ok, the dinner parties we do every once in a while, and they are fun. It’s the before and after parts that are a bummer in my opinion (read: cleaning up before the guests arrive and again after they leave). And the fabulous friends part is tricky: while they are fabulous, they do not number in ’scores’.

-Falling in love, getting married, and having babies…by 25?!?!?!! Ok, WHO came up with the idea that everyone has to get married straight out of college? And immediately start having babies, for that matter? Whenever we see those former friends of ours from college who chose that route, Roomie and I shoot each other a look that says “Thank GOD that’s not us!”. They just look so TIRED and wiped out…and generally, there’s this look in their eyes which I recognize as more than a little bit of envy of us still-single folks.

All this to say, my mind is boggled about where these BRILLIANT ideas came from in the first place. And despite all the statistics that say otherwise, why is the idea that you have to get married in your early 20s or there is something wrong with you still holding sway over our culture? Why is my mother so worried about the fact that I’m not dating a new guy every few months, auditioning potential husbands as it were?

Bottom line: I thank God every day that I didn’t marry the guy I thought I was ’supposed’ to marry; I’m grateful that I’m well traveled; I’m glad that I like who I am, and am not too worried about finding someone who will like me too; I’m glad I’m not in credit card debt up to my eyeballs, that I don’t have a house with a busted toilet that I can’t fix…and I’m forever grateful that I’m an independent woman who can stand on her own two feet, making her own decisions about what life at 30 and beyond should look like.

Just when you thought life was getting interesting…

…you realize it is, in fact, as boring as you suspected all along.

My absence here over the last few weeks is not for lack of desire. Truth be told, I’ve sat down to update the blog half a dozen times, only to be hit with a severe case of writer’s block. Life recently is uninspiring, unexciting, uneventful, and just plain snooze-worthy.

“There must be SOMETHING going on, Essaytch!” I imagine you’re all saying to yourselves. “Any funny work anecdotes?” Alas, there are none. I’ve transitioned to a new desk in the office, and life has shifted from YouTube surfing for Manager and wild event planning weekends, to posting invoices and YouTube surfing for pleasure…because I’m THAT BORED. Oh wait! There’s a guy on this floor that gives me creepy eyes every time he walks by my desk. And I killed my bean plant over the weekend. Does that count? No? *sigh*

So what HAS been happening? Well, in the time that has passed since my last post, I have:

-used Fabulous New Job’s tickets to see a Mariner’s game. They finally won, and would like to credit that to the rowdy cheers of “Come on RAUUUUUUUUL!” and “I-CHI-ROHHHHHHHH!” coming from our section on the first base side.
-been sunburned twice.
-went Garage Sale-ing. Purchased two books for $2. Have yet to open either.
-watched about 80 episodes of Stargate SG1 and 10 episodes of Battlestar Galactica.
-watched the successful landing of the Phoenix Mars Lander. It was a tense 15 minutes, but when the EDL Communications officer exclaimed “Phoenix has landed, I repeat: PHOENIX HAS LANDED!” and everyone started cheering and jumping up and down, I got a little teary-eyed.
-convinced Other Roomie to FINALLY make a doctor’s appointment to diagnose her stomach issues. I’ll admit, I played the “You’re going to feel like a complete douche-bag ten years from now when you find out you are dying, and a proper diagnosis could have been made early if only you had GONE TO THE DOCTOR LIKE EVERYONE TOLD YOU” card. Hey, it’s worked for me before.
-went to my first ever film screening as part of the Seattle International Film Festival. Although Roomie and The Enabler fell asleep, I found the film enthralling and beautiful! Not to mention I felt VERY important and cool attending a film festival. (oooooooh! aaaaaah!)

So yeah, that’s what I’ve been up to. What about the rest of you?

Event Horizon: Strike of The Assimilator!

I’m not a Comic Book reader. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I’ve never read a Comic Book in my entire life. My knowledge of Superheroes and their respective Arch Nemesis’ is directly proportionate to the amount of time they get on the Big Screen at the local movie theatre (like Superman, Batman, The Incredible Hulk, Fantastic Four, etc). And from what I understand, film versions of popular Comic Book heroes are generally sub-par and in no way live up to the awesomeness of their literary counterparts (like Superman, Batman, The Incredible Hulk, Fantastic Four, etc).  But if I were to attempt to identify with the Comic Book culture and “join the Collective” by inventing my own villainess alter-ego, the funny and charmingly ‘down to earth’ gal you know as Essaytch by day (well, between the hours of 8am and 5pm), would become The Assimilator by night. My evil aim: to grow the ranks of Sci-Fi Geeks everywhere by assimilating those closest to me into the fold. Being the over-achiever that I am, I’ve already claimed my first victim…

You may recall my last Event Horizon update in which I prophesied that Roomie would soon get sucked in by the inescapable pull of popular Sci-Fi television (namely, Stargate Atlantis). Her resistance has proven futile. With the help of her new boyfriend—we’ll call him The Enabler—Roomie is now a certified Battlestar Galactica fan. With The Enabler’s help supplying the DVDs from his collection, we’ve been watching the series from the beginning. Now I get texts from Roomie at 5pm “Pizza and Battlestar tonight?”. I’ve heard reports that she is perusing BSG Wiki’s, reading spoilers, and re-watching episodes to maximize understanding of plot details and character development.

It’s working….IT’S WORKING!!! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Oooooooooooooooooops!

So, I broke my boss’ computer. Oops.

Yesterday, he was re-imaged to Vista, and couldn’t figure out how to transfer his Personal Folders back into Outlook. And because I am a Computer GENIUS (please note the sarcasm), he asked me for help. So I did a little research and sent him some directions. He tried them and they didn’t work…so we decided to wait until he could take it back to IT and have them do it.

Well, apparently the directions I gave him were slightly…off. He tried them again later, and all the files dumped into his In-box, effectively freezing it because of the amount of data. So he did the WORST THING he could possibly have done: he called the Help Desk. As I mentioned previously, it is my experience that Help Desks generally aren’t all that helpful. In this particular instance, they proceeded to completelycorrupt Outlook to the point where the program won’t open half the time, and the rest of the time is stuck in a perpetual loop, trying to synchronize his folders with the Exchange Server.

When I called IT today and explained what had happened, I got a heavy-weighted *sigh* followed by sarcastic thanks for my continued efforts at providing them with job security. Hey: I do what I can.

So if you’re looking for me and I don’t appear to be at my desk, it is because I’m hiding under it. Just look for the white flag.

What would Brian Boitano do?

So, here I am working away at Fabulous New Job when I get an IM from someone in the office who just so happens to be a CRAZY PERSON. And she’s talking smack about a new co-worker that she has to work with (someone that I just so happen to be friends with–but she doesn’t know that). She basically puts in writing on IM her plans to sabotage this person by not training her or offering her help or advice as she transitions into her new role. Her reasoning? “No one helped me when I was in that position, so why should I help her?”

Uh, how about because it is the right thing to do?

How about because, when she screws up and gets called on the carpet by her manager, who inevitibly will ask “Didn’t Ms. Crazy Co-Worker train you on this?” (to which she will no doubt respond “No, actually Ms. Crazy Co-Worker hasn’t trained me on anything. I’ve been on my own.”), YOU will look like the douche-bag, and not her?

How about because, when you say in one sentence “I thought this would help foster a team environment” and then in another sentence you’re pledging to sabotage the new girl, you’re basically contradicting yourself and again looking like a douche-bag?

How about the fact that going around touting yourself as a strong Christian…well, we just won’t go there. No stone throwing here. But I’m just sayin’…

So I’m left asking, what would YOU do if you were me, on the other end of this IM conversation? What would Jesus do? Hell! WHAT WOULD BRIAN BOITANO DO???

 If only ALL the world’s problems could be solved by South Park…

“6 Things”, huh?

From Kristiane–Here are the rules: 1) Link back to the person who tagged you. 2) Post the rules on your blog. 3) Write six things about yourself. 4) Tag six people at the end of your post by posting links to their blog sites. 5) Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their site. 6) And let your tagger know when your entry is up.

1) Walking down long flights of stairs kinda makes me freak out. Without fail, when ascending a long flight of stairs (or several flights of stairs) I will inevitably be overcome with the sudden feeling that I am going to trip and fall the rest of the way down. This feeling of panic usually sets in when I am 90% of the way down the stairs, and I think it is because my brain is subconsciously thinking “See, you’re almost done, and you didn’t trip after all! No worries…you can stop concentrating so much. RELAX!” and that is when I usually wobble a bit and find myself gripping the handrail for dear life.

2) I dread calling help desks, mainly because I have never called a “Help Desk” and received any kind of actual help. My help desk calls usually go like this:

CS REP (usually with a very thick accent): Thank you for calling the help desk, may I have your name please?
ME: Essaytch. E-s-s-a-y-t-c-h.
CS REP: Ok, mam. That is was V-f-f-a…
ME: Uh, no. E-s-s-a-y-t-c-h.
CS REP: Ok mam, thank you mam. How can I help you today?
ME: I’m trying to submit this invoice and I keep getting an error and I’m not sure why.
CS REP: Ok mam, thank you mam, I understand mam. So you’re saying you are trying to submit an invoice and you are getting an error.
ME: Yes.
CS REP: What does the error message say?
ME: It says “Error”.
CS REP: Ok, mam. So you’re saying you are trying to submit an invoice and you are getting an error message that says ‘error’?
ME: Yes.
CS REP: Ok, may I place you on hold for 15-20 days while I research this for you?

You get the idea.

3) I love sleep so much, I have perfected the art of getting ready for work in the least amount of time possible. For example, this morning I got up at 6:30. I have to leave the house to catch my bus by 7:10. During those 40 minutes, I must shower, dry and style hair, apply makeup, get dressed, collect all the things I was too lazy to gather up the night before, and get out the door. Sure, this usually means I’m wearing less than the average amount of makeup the other women in the office wear, and I usually get to work and wonder “Did I get dressed in the dark this morning?”…but hey: I got more sleep. And around 2pm when all those other girls’ makup has melted off their eyes and they are in the bathroom “saving face”, I’m secretly laughing.

4) When it comes to food, I’ll try anything once. There’s no guarantee that I’ll ever try it again, but I’ll at least try it that one time. For example, last Friday I tried beef marrow. As in, take a beef bone and fry it until all the bone marrow gets all fatty and soft…then spread the marrow on toast and season w/ coarse salt. A fellow diner in our group called it “Animal Butter”, a description that isn’t too far off. So yeah…beef marrow. Cross that one off my list.

5) The guy on the other side of the cubicle from me drinks ice water all day. From a REAL glass. And every time he picks up the glass to take a sip, the ice clinks against the side and it sounds like I’m in a bar. I am convinced that he’s secretly sipping on some Jack on the rocks…and I am jealous.

6) When I was about 4 years old, I had a little Hello Kitty sewing kit, complete with tiny scissors. One day, I decided it was a good idea to give our Siamese cat (Sandy) a hair cut because she had some pretty long stray hairs…especially about 5 or 6 REALLY long ones on either side of her nose. So I cut them off. Turns out those were her WHISKERS, and she kinda needed them. I suppose I don’t need to mention I got a major spanking for that one.

Hmmm…so now I have to tag people, huh? I only know 5 people, so here it goes (you totally do NOT have to do this, BTW…)
iheartthirty
carded1
The Scomerican
Billy
Mr. Oregon

NEWSFLASH: I Don’t Hate Homeless People!

Here at Fabulous New Job, I get to go on a date with my fellow admins every day. Mid-morning each day, we pause from our hectic schedules and gather together to chat about how things are going, share tips and stories, encourage one another, and talk about our corporate culture and how it impacts the way we do our job each day. Some people find this 15 minutes a waste of time…personally, I think it is a fun break from the morning rush and I enjoy it.

Last week, we were discussing our values–where you get them and how they impact the decisions you make on a daily basis–and I decided to share a little story from my formative teenage years:

As part of my Catholic School education, we were required to take a variety of different religion classes in addition to the normal reading, writing, math drivel that is shoved down every high school kid’s throats. One of the requirements for every Junior was a class called “Society and Justice”, in which we learned about the many plights of people less fortunate than us, and how we as good stewards of the Earth and our fellow man could make a difference in the lives of those we were studying. All in all, this class was very well intentioned, and is one that I wish more high-schools would offer to their students ( sans the religious twist, obviously).

At one point in the curriculum, we focused on homelessness. In the course of our studies, we discovered there are many causes to homelessness other  than just being a druggie or a boozer: mental illness, lack of a familial support system, being out of work, all can contribute to the cycle of homelessness that ensnares so many in America. Our teacher decided to bring in a guest speaker, a homeless man whom he met and developed a friendship with during his time volunteering at one of the soup kitchens downtown. Having had virtually no exposure to the homeless, and being the young and malleable teenager that I was, I was desperate to be told what to think, how to feel, and the appropriate way to respond with empathy to panhandlers I might see downtown or at the corner of a freeway on-ramp. Our guest speaker, I was sure, would provide the insight I was seeking. It didn’t exactly go that way.

Instead of putting a face to the numerous causes of homelessness I had studied, Mr. Homeless Joe Guestspeaker took better part of an hour to tell us how he became homeless because his good-for-nothing ex-wife took the kids and headed to California, leaving him behind with nothing. He described how he found he could make more money (tax free, I might add) panhandling every day than he ever could with a real job, how he remained homeless because he found he really liked camping, and was satisfied with his free-ride lifestyle. So much for empathy.

For years afterwards, my heart was hardened. Every time I would see someone holding a sign begging for work or food, I would think to myself (as I rolled up my windows and locked my doors): “I’ll bet that guy just likes CAMPING.” Needless to say, now that I’m an adult and have a better understanding of the world, my heart has softened…but I’m not so sure the rest of my admins are convinced.

After sharing my story, there was a barage of “Maybe he said he liked camping because he didn’t want to face the truth” and “Not all homelss people have that kind of attitude” responses. And I was left thinking, “Uh, I know that.” You see, my point in sharing the story was that sometimes, especially when you’re younger, people try to instill you with specific values, ways of thinking, or ideals. And often times, it can backfire (as in my case). It was only after growing up and experiencing the world on my own that I was able to really understand and come to adopt the values that my teacher was trying to communicate so many years ago. But apparently, they didn’t see my point. So I felt like an asshole.

After our little session, one of my new admin friends came up to me and said “By the way, I totally got that you don’t hate homeless people.” Thank god SOMEONE heard what I was saying. I think next time I share a story with the group, I will make sure to preface it clearly with “By the way, I don’t hate homeless people.”