So, I broke my boss’ computer. Oops.

Yesterday, he was re-imaged to Vista, and couldn’t figure out how to transfer his Personal Folders back into Outlook. And because I am a Computer GENIUS (please note the sarcasm), he asked me for help. So I did a little research and sent him some directions. He tried them and they didn’t work…so we decided to wait until he could take it back to IT and have them do it.

Well, apparently the directions I gave him were slightly…off. He tried them again later, and all the files dumped into his In-box, effectively freezing it because of the amount of data. So he did the WORST THING he could possibly have done: he called the Help Desk. As I mentioned previously, it is my experience that Help Desks generally aren’t all that helpful. In this particular instance, they proceeded to completelycorrupt Outlook to the point where the program won’t open half the time, and the rest of the time is stuck in a perpetual loop, trying to synchronize his folders with the Exchange Server.

When I called IT today and explained what had happened, I got a heavy-weighted *sigh* followed by sarcastic thanks for my continued efforts at providing them with job security. Hey: I do what I can.

So if you’re looking for me and I don’t appear to be at my desk, it is because I’m hiding under it. Just look for the white flag.

So, here I am working away at Fabulous New Job when I get an IM from someone in the office who just so happens to be a CRAZY PERSON. And she’s talking smack about a new co-worker that she has to work with (someone that I just so happen to be friends with–but she doesn’t know that). She basically puts in writing on IM her plans to sabotage this person by not training her or offering her help or advice as she transitions into her new role. Her reasoning? “No one helped me when I was in that position, so why should I help her?”

Uh, how about because it is the right thing to do?

How about because, when she screws up and gets called on the carpet by her manager, who inevitibly will ask “Didn’t Ms. Crazy Co-Worker train you on this?” (to which she will no doubt respond “No, actually Ms. Crazy Co-Worker hasn’t trained me on anything. I’ve been on my own.”), YOU will look like the douche-bag, and not her?

How about because, when you say in one sentence “I thought this would help foster a team environment” and then in another sentence you’re pledging to sabotage the new girl, you’re basically contradicting yourself and again looking like a douche-bag?

How about the fact that going around touting yourself as a strong Christian…well, we just won’t go there. No stone throwing here. But I’m just sayin’…

So I’m left asking, what would YOU do if you were me, on the other end of this IM conversation? What would Jesus do? Hell! WHAT WOULD BRIAN BOITANO DO???

 If only ALL the world’s problems could be solved by South Park…

From Kristiane–Here are the rules: 1) Link back to the person who tagged you. 2) Post the rules on your blog. 3) Write six things about yourself. 4) Tag six people at the end of your post by posting links to their blog sites. 5) Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their site. 6) And let your tagger know when your entry is up.

1) Walking down long flights of stairs kinda makes me freak out. Without fail, when ascending a long flight of stairs (or several flights of stairs) I will inevitably be overcome with the sudden feeling that I am going to trip and fall the rest of the way down. This feeling of panic usually sets in when I am 90% of the way down the stairs, and I think it is because my brain is subconsciously thinking “See, you’re almost done, and you didn’t trip after all! No worries…you can stop concentrating so much. RELAX!” and that is when I usually wobble a bit and find myself gripping the handrail for dear life.

2) I dread calling help desks, mainly because I have never called a “Help Desk” and received any kind of actual help. My help desk calls usually go like this:

CS REP (usually with a very thick accent): Thank you for calling the help desk, may I have your name please?
ME: Essaytch. E-s-s-a-y-t-c-h.
CS REP: Ok, mam. That is was V-f-f-a…
ME: Uh, no. E-s-s-a-y-t-c-h.
CS REP: Ok mam, thank you mam. How can I help you today?
ME: I’m trying to submit this invoice and I keep getting an error and I’m not sure why.
CS REP: Ok mam, thank you mam, I understand mam. So you’re saying you are trying to submit an invoice and you are getting an error.
ME: Yes.
CS REP: What does the error message say?
ME: It says “Error”.
CS REP: Ok, mam. So you’re saying you are trying to submit an invoice and you are getting an error message that says ‘error’?
ME: Yes.
CS REP: Ok, may I place you on hold for 15-20 days while I research this for you?

You get the idea.

3) I love sleep so much, I have perfected the art of getting ready for work in the least amount of time possible. For example, this morning I got up at 6:30. I have to leave the house to catch my bus by 7:10. During those 40 minutes, I must shower, dry and style hair, apply makeup, get dressed, collect all the things I was too lazy to gather up the night before, and get out the door. Sure, this usually means I’m wearing less than the average amount of makeup the other women in the office wear, and I usually get to work and wonder “Did I get dressed in the dark this morning?”…but hey: I got more sleep. And around 2pm when all those other girls’ makup has melted off their eyes and they are in the bathroom “saving face”, I’m secretly laughing.

4) When it comes to food, I’ll try anything once. There’s no guarantee that I’ll ever try it again, but I’ll at least try it that one time. For example, last Friday I tried beef marrow. As in, take a beef bone and fry it until all the bone marrow gets all fatty and soft…then spread the marrow on toast and season w/ coarse salt. A fellow diner in our group called it “Animal Butter”, a description that isn’t too far off. So yeah…beef marrow. Cross that one off my list.

5) The guy on the other side of the cubicle from me drinks ice water all day. From a REAL glass. And every time he picks up the glass to take a sip, the ice clinks against the side and it sounds like I’m in a bar. I am convinced that he’s secretly sipping on some Jack on the rocks…and I am jealous.

6) When I was about 4 years old, I had a little Hello Kitty sewing kit, complete with tiny scissors. One day, I decided it was a good idea to give our Siamese cat (Sandy) a hair cut because she had some pretty long stray hairs…especially about 5 or 6 REALLY long ones on either side of her nose. So I cut them off. Turns out those were her WHISKERS, and she kinda needed them. I suppose I don’t need to mention I got a major spanking for that one.

Hmmm…so now I have to tag people, huh? I only know 5 people, so here it goes (you totally do NOT have to do this, BTW…)
iheartthirty
carded1
The Scomerican
Billy
Mr. Oregon

Here at Fabulous New Job, I get to go on a date with my fellow admins every day. Mid-morning each day, we pause from our hectic schedules and gather together to chat about how things are going, share tips and stories, encourage one another, and talk about our corporate culture and how it impacts the way we do our job each day. Some people find this 15 minutes a waste of time…personally, I think it is a fun break from the morning rush and I enjoy it.

Last week, we were discussing our values–where you get them and how they impact the decisions you make on a daily basis–and I decided to share a little story from my formative teenage years:

As part of my Catholic School education, we were required to take a variety of different religion classes in addition to the normal reading, writing, math drivel that is shoved down every high school kid’s throats. One of the requirements for every Junior was a class called “Society and Justice”, in which we learned about the many plights of people less fortunate than us, and how we as good stewards of the Earth and our fellow man could make a difference in the lives of those we were studying. All in all, this class was very well intentioned, and is one that I wish more high-schools would offer to their students ( sans the religious twist, obviously).

At one point in the curriculum, we focused on homelessness. In the course of our studies, we discovered there are many causes to homelessness other  than just being a druggie or a boozer: mental illness, lack of a familial support system, being out of work, all can contribute to the cycle of homelessness that ensnares so many in America. Our teacher decided to bring in a guest speaker, a homeless man whom he met and developed a friendship with during his time volunteering at one of the soup kitchens downtown. Having had virtually no exposure to the homeless, and being the young and malleable teenager that I was, I was desperate to be told what to think, how to feel, and the appropriate way to respond with empathy to panhandlers I might see downtown or at the corner of a freeway on-ramp. Our guest speaker, I was sure, would provide the insight I was seeking. It didn’t exactly go that way.

Instead of putting a face to the numerous causes of homelessness I had studied, Mr. Homeless Joe Guestspeaker took better part of an hour to tell us how he became homeless because his good-for-nothing ex-wife took the kids and headed to California, leaving him behind with nothing. He described how he found he could make more money (tax free, I might add) panhandling every day than he ever could with a real job, how he remained homeless because he found he really liked camping, and was satisfied with his free-ride lifestyle. So much for empathy.

For years afterwards, my heart was hardened. Every time I would see someone holding a sign begging for work or food, I would think to myself (as I rolled up my windows and locked my doors): “I’ll bet that guy just likes CAMPING.” Needless to say, now that I’m an adult and have a better understanding of the world, my heart has softened…but I’m not so sure the rest of my admins are convinced.

After sharing my story, there was a barage of “Maybe he said he liked camping because he didn’t want to face the truth” and “Not all homelss people have that kind of attitude” responses. And I was left thinking, “Uh, I know that.” You see, my point in sharing the story was that sometimes, especially when you’re younger, people try to instill you with specific values, ways of thinking, or ideals. And often times, it can backfire (as in my case). It was only after growing up and experiencing the world on my own that I was able to really understand and come to adopt the values that my teacher was trying to communicate so many years ago. But apparently, they didn’t see my point. So I felt like an asshole.

After our little session, one of my new admin friends came up to me and said “By the way, I totally got that you don’t hate homeless people.” Thank god SOMEONE heard what I was saying. I think next time I share a story with the group, I will make sure to preface it clearly with “By the way, I don’t hate homeless people.”

Told you I would need to start a series! Here’s today’s entry, a little IM conversation between Roomie and I about my recent addiction obsession love of Stargate Atlantis:

Essaytch says:

Ok, I am a N-E-R-D

Essaytch says:

I’m reading Joe’s blog and I noticed this guy posted a comment….

Essaytch says:

He was responding to another person’s comment where they made a reference to “PG”

Essaytch says:

And this guy was all ” ‘PG’ being what?”

Essaytch says:

And my immediate response was to roll my eyes and say to myself “Pegasus Galaxy. Duh.”

  Roomie says:

OH

  Roomie says:

MY

  Roomie says:

GOSH

  Roomie says:

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

  Roomie says:

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  Roomie says:

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Essaytch says:

Told you

Essaytch says:

N

Essaytch says:

E

Essaytch says:

R

Essaytch says:

D

Essaytch says:

You’re going to get sucked in too, I can feel it.

Essaytch says:

And then you’re going to be all “I don’t understand why everyone is so hung up on Sheppard. I mean, McKay is the one who’s REALLY saving everyone’s asses all the time.”

  Roomie says:

uh

  Roomie says:

not that sucked in!

 Essaytch says:

And then I’m gonna say: “But what about Beckett? Why did they have to go and kill him off?!”

 Essaytch says:

And you’ll be all: “That ninny Scottish dude? Nah! The new doctor is much better.”

 Essaytch says:

And then we will come to blows.

 Roomie says:

lol

 Roomie says:

Suuuuure!

 Essaytch says:

Ok, I’m cracking myself up here. Time to go home.

Someone commit me. Or stick me on the first Space Shuttle to the moon…or any other distant planet. But preferably one in THIS solar system…the Wraith are still FAR TOO BIG of a threat out in Pegasus.

A truly visionary statement from Kermit the Frog, and one that I agree wholeheartedly with. Especially considering the week I’ve had…

MONDAY 4/14: Was asked by Senior Manager to arrange a block of conference rooms that an out-of-town account team could use to prep for an upcoming client pitch. Meeting dates—April 24^th-28^th. Firm revenue should said pitch go well–$22M. Spent the whole day coordinating logistics.
My Stress Level (on a scale of 1-10): 4

TUESDAY 4/15: Informed by account team Director that the date for the pitch is 4/21 (not 4/28)…will need meeting rooms beginning on the 17^th and going through the weekend. Uh, Houston? We have a problem. Of course, all the meeting rooms in our entire office were already booked by Other Admin to accommodate quarterly review meetings for another function. Asked Other Admin if we could juggle some things around to make some space. Her response: “No, book a conference room outside the office.” (Ok, not quite so blunt but still not too helpful…it was more like “I would suggest booking a conference room at an off-site venue.”) Informed Senior of the problem and spent the remainder of the day coming up with an alternative solution to the meeting room fiasco.
My Stress Level: 7

WEDNESDAY 4/16: Alternative solution not going to work. Account team Director and Head Honcho are panicking. Senior Manager goes above Other Admin’s head to free up some space, dropping the “This is a $22M pitch…” line in order to get our way leverage our position. It worked, but not without pissing off Other Admin. I did feel badly, considering Other Admin had probably spent a considerable amount of time arranging the logistics of the quarterly review meetings, only to have her efforts dashed at the last minute by our group. But hey…it is a $22M pitch, after all. Arranged after-hours building access for all guests, booked a dinner reservation in a private room at an Italian restaurant close to the office, and called it a day.
My Stress Level: 15

THURSDAY 4/17: The out-of-towners begin to arrive. I make final preparations for their catering for the following day, including tracking down a restaurant that will deliver dinner for 15 people downtown on a Friday night at the last minute. Am asked by the account team Head Honcho if the restaurant they are going to that night could serve a special drink right at the beginning of the meal that they could toast with. The hitch? It has to be green (don’t ask). Knowing that adding 15 apple martinis to the bill might not be a great idea considering they’ve already got a $500 food/beverage minimum in place, I make a run to Bartell Drugs to see what I can drum up. 20 minutes, $2.00, and a bottle of green food coloring later, I’m at the restaurant having a pow-wow with the bartender. We’re testing how many drops of food coloring to add to some sparkling cider to get the color green we’re going for (the answer: one). Problem solved, I head back to the office to see what other fires have popped up in the last hour. Spent the rest of the day compiling a list of downtown restaurants that are open on Saturdays for breakfast and lunch (you’d be surprised how few there really are).
My Stress Level: still 15 (come on…green drinks?)

FRIDAY 4/18: Stop by grocery store on my way to the office for fresh fruit for the group to munch on throughout the weekend. Meetings begin, all catering in place. Small emergency first thing regarding some much needed binders that were supposed to ship overnight but may not arrive in time. Spent the AM making additional hotel reservations for last minute attendees and staying in constant contact w/ catering for coffee refills and such. Discover there will not be enough box lunches to go around due to extra people attending the meeting; outside vendor cannot accommodate at short notice, so I’m picking up extras myself from another place. Receive word that dinner the previous night went off without a hitch, green drinks and all. Fabulous.
My Stress Level: 8

SATURDAY 4/19: Blissful, blissful weekend! You couldn’t have arrived a moment too soon! I had the evening to myself as the Roomies are off at a wedding, so I settled into the couch w/ my popcorn to catch up on some DVD recommendations from friends: The Mist (classic King) and the first part of Battlestar Galactica (an urgent request from my Scomerican friend). I am pleasantly surprised in my enjoyment of both. I hit the sack around 2am.
My Stress Level: 0

SUNDAY 4/20: Disaster strikes. 12:30pm, received call from account team Director, who is panicking. They had requested the hotel provide them with a projector to use in their PowerPoint presentation to the client on Monday, and the hotel was happy to oblige the request. One small problem though. They provided them with an overhead projector. (Excuse me, what century are we living in again?) The backup projector they brought with them isn’t working, so they need another one. Plus, they need a courier arranged to pick up a print job from the office and bring it to them IN OLYMPIA (note: Olympia is about 2 hours south of Seattle). Now this is all on my plate.
My Stress Level: off the charts

SUNDAY 4/20 (continued): I called our IT department to get the skinny on the current backup projector, to try and determine possible troubleshooting measures that can be taken. Relayed this to the account team; troubleshooting not working, Director wants to rent a projector. Rent? On a Sunday? Being the stellar and connected gal that I am, I make a phone call to a local AV company that I used to contract work with at a previous job many moons ago. Lo and behold! Their Production Manager just so happened to be in the office, and sure, he would rent me exactly what they needed.

SUNDAY 4/20 (still continuing): By the time I returned home six and a half hours later, I had procured one state-of-the-art video projector (at a deeply discounted rate), and a free projector stand, had picked up the print job from our office, and had driven 160 miles to Olympia and back to drop everything off.
My Stress Level: don’t ask

Now here it is, Monday, and I’m a bundle of nerves and knots, already counting down the minutes until 5pm on Friday. But I took much satisfaction when someone from the account team remarked yesterday “Do you know there is not one place in Seattle, Tacoma or Olympia that will rent a projector on a Sunday?”, to which I was able to reply “Well, there’s at least ONE place, because I was able to get it done!”, which drew laughter and applause from those gathered close by. And when Roomie IMd me this morning to ask “Have they promoted you to Supreme Admin Being yet?”, I laughed and replied “No, not yet!”

YET.
*wink*

I tell ya, people Google the strangest things! And their strange-and sometimes disturbing-searches often land them at my blog’s doorstep. I thought I would take this opportunity to address a few of them:

Cat Headed Warriors: Hmmm, I don’t know any. Anyone else?

Juicy Young Boys: Yes please! Sign me up…

Charlie Grenade: Uh, who? Don’t know him, and I’m not sure how a search for him steered you in my direction. A mystery, I say. Next!

How To Get A Guy To Sit Next To You: Wow, honey. Great question. My answer: try not to smell.

My Guts Hurt When I Do Psychokinesis: This sounds like a personal problem. Have you consulted your doctor? How about your friendly neighborhood parapsychologist? Science Fiction writer? Physicist? Get back to me when you find the answer…that’s a symptom I would very much like to avoid.

I know the rest of you out there get some doozies too. Care to share any of your favorites?

TIME: 3:45pm

ACTIVITY: Finally eating lunch.

WHY: Because I’m starving and have been looking up catering options all day.

WHAT I GOT: Turkey Pesto Sandwich and a brownie from Specialty’s Bakery.

WHAT ACTUALLY MADE IT BACK TO THE OFFICE OUT OF THE STORE: Turkey Pesto Sandwich.

HOW TEMPTED I WAS TO BUY ANOTHER BROWNIE: Very.

That being said…

*

*

*

*

Dear Specialty’s Bakery,

Your brownies are far too good to eat just one. For that reason, I must insist that you cease and desist all brownie making operations, effective immediately.

Sincerely,
Essaytch’s Rapidly Expanding Gut

P.S: Probably a good idea to stop with the cookie making too. I’m just sayin’…

Before today, the subtle differences between Arial and Arial Narrow fonts mattered not,  10.5 and 11 point  sizes seemed trivial, and the differences between one shade of navy blue and another, almost unrecognizable.  But after spending six painstaking hours going through 46 slides checking for consistency? My eyeballs want to fall out.

Is it too much to ask that everything stay the same between slide #1 and # 46? Wouldn’t you think that, by formatting each slide the same way every time, it would actually make one’s job easier? Would it hurt to not only run the spell check feature, but to also read the slide content to check for errors? Because, while “over view” is spelled correctly, it is light-years away from “overview” in meaning.

And while I have your ear, when you responded “No” to my question last week about whether that photo was simply a place-holder until you found something more relevant, I wanted to die. Please PLEASE tell me what a kitchen faucet has to do with the largest seller of athletic footwear and apparel in the world? Inquiring minds want to know.

Yours etc.

P.S…Here’s a shovel. Dig your own grave.

Dear Mr. Paul Allen,

I would like to take this opportunity to say that I very much appreciate the great strides that you and Vulcan, Inc. are making in the business community, both locally and across the nation. Your forward-thinking approach to your many ventures, asking “What do we need that we don’t have? How can we realize our potential? What will it take to solve important problems and improve people’s lives? What should exist, and how might we create it—right now?” is both revolutionary and inspiring.

That being said, I have another venture to put forth for you: let’s get married. I’m a young, intelligent, professional with a sense of humor and a firm head on her shoulders. I appreciate cinema, the arts, and am an avid sports fan.

No need to respond right away! But I have two words for you: theme wedding. The reception could be held at the EMP and all your groomsmen could be Storm Troopers. It would be a match made in heaven–or rather, suborbital space.

Breathlessly awaiting your response,
Essaytch

ps…Did I mention I’m a member of the Sci Fi Museum?